Living with critics is never an easy thing but we all have them. Imagine after a major event you received 100 comments and 98 of them were very positive, what do you think would capture your attention the most? Probably the 2 negative comments. We alway give much more attention to negative critics than to the postive affirmation. Why do you suppose that is?
I for one believe that most of us deep down are ashamed of who we are and what we can become. We're not confident in our own skin. We've hurt people we didn't intend to, our lives never turn out like those on TV, and we remember forever tears we caused others to shed. We know ourselves too well and know the secrets that luke just beneath the surface. If people really knew us, we believe, they would be terrified. The two negative comments are like finding a leak in the dike we have to deal with them quickly before the whole dike collapses.
There are two basic ways we deal with critics:
(1) HIDE: Try working very hard to impress people and maybe they won't notice the warts and goofs. Earn positive affirmation. Eventually you'll get tired, your body will grow old, and someone will still criticize you, and that criticism will cut like a knife.
(2) REVEAL: have the confidence that comes from being known. A community of imperfect people is the strongest of all because they acknowledge their imperfection and realize they are all on the road to healing. This is the source of strength for recovery programs like AA.
A critic tests, pushes, and agitates.
A community accepts, inspires, and nurtures.
Which one are you currently part of and what criticisms really push your buttons?Email Subscription:
I think it’s important to remember that not all criticism is necessarily bad. Certainly, people can offer constructive criticism in a positive, loving manner, but even ill-intended criticism can be constructive. Our response is all about our attitude. To me, the choices to negative critcism aren’t so much “Hide” or “Reveal,” but:
1) Internalize: Allow the critic to get under your skin, which empowers them and affirms their behavior.
2) Confront: Engage the critic, which often leads to confrontation and relational collapse.
3) Ignore: Don’t acknowledge the critic or the criticism, at the risk of appearing unable to defend yourself.
4) Deflect: Dig past the emotional response to take what good you can out of the criticism…is there a point being made you can learn from, even if it’s presented in a negative manner?
The 4th response risks the least in terms of empowering and affirming the critic, in my opinion. If anything, extracting constructive ideas from negative criticism disarms and disempowers the critic. However, it also requires the most effort from the one being criticized.
I agree that being part of a supportive, trusting community makes it easier to deal with criticism in healthy ways. Knowing someone else will have your back or at the very least give you honest feedback empowers us to look beyond the fear and anxiety that come with negative criticism.
Last night we sort of had a brief, but heated discussion about how to handle dissention & criticism in the church.
One person felt we should just plow through, do what you believe is right and let the chips fall where they may. Not even Jesus was able to get 100% agreement and we won’t either, so don’t try to win those who lag behind. They will either get on board or get off. As was stated, “We need to start living the platitudes we profess.” Clearly there was some tension about “just do it” vs “building community and concensus.”
The other opinion was that when there is criticism and dissention we need to learn from it, understand those who don’t agree and why, and then if possible help them see the issue from our point of view. We need to be compassionate to those from a different generation and a different set of needs. It is easy to become so narrowly focused and develop a messiah complex.
We eventually worked out way through it, but there was certainly another issue below the surface feeding the fire we didn’t get to.
How would you balance the need for quick response and movement to community building and discipleship?
Oh, Pastor Steve, do you really believe that we are “basically ashamed of ourselves”?
And if we are ashamed of ourselves, is that then an affirmation that we are also ashamed of God who created and grows each of us in accordance with His will and purpose for our lives?
What is the possibility, Pastor Steve, that the criticism has nothing to do with the person being criticized? What is the possibility that “the fault, dear Brutus, is not in ourselves but…” in the person hurling the jabs.
And where then does that put us?
Do we blame ourselves? Do we blame the criticizer to the point of seeking vengence? Or do we ask “Why?”? Both of ourselves, yes; but more out of concern for the other person while trying in the process to heal the hurt and pain inside the one being so criticial of us.
By chance, is that why Jesus tells us to “…turn the other cheek”? Does He tell us to do so because He knows that, in doing so, we will see things from a different perspective and that we will then be able to understand why someone struck us, smacked our cheek with words?
Is a criticism not an opportunity for us to both learn as well as to help? — learn about ourselves and our faults that Jesus died to forgive; but, more importantly, learn about someone else’s hurt and pain and then, as Arthur says in “Camelot,” “…merely love them, simply love them, merely love them…” while helping them to heal?
And what about prayer? Prayer that turns everything over to God? Prayer that God will use us to help heal those who hurt us? Prayer that God, with or without us and in His infinite wisdom and mercy will heal and help those who hurt and are hurting. Prayer that God will heal us and grant us peace and compassion in the midst of verbal “…slings and arrows.” Prayer in which we talk to our Father asking Him to enable us to better understand, help, and love our siblings. Prayer in which we just simply surrender it all completely to God and let Him “…take our yoke…” and deal with it in His own way. In dependence on Him is great strength and also comes great peace.
Rather than saying that we are “ashamed of ourselves” what if we left “meland” where we so often assume that it is all about us? What if we start living in “Othersland” where we are more concerned with others, where we are more driven by empathy than anger, and where, by asking “Why,” we choose to help, not hurt, because as Jesus so often stated in the parables it is more about “Him and them” rather than “me and us.”
I do believe sometimes we make too much out of criticism. We assume a motive or a motivation that may not exist. Sometimes maybe we even project our own guilt back on the critic so we can blame someone else for our own lack of self-worth.
Sometimes criticism is nothing more than a need for the critic to vent…to release some sense of doubt or fear. Sometimes people don’t know any other way to release those kinds of emotions other than to be critical of the situation that seems to be causing them. What damage, then, do we do to the critic when we pour our inability to just listen into an unwanted confrontation? Again, it’s all about our attitudes and perceptions. If we focus only on the supposed hurt we assume a critic wishes to inflict, we can never grow beyond the moment. And we oursevles become the self-addicted victims we accuse our critics of being.