How well do you listen to what other people are trying to say? Are you able to discern the underlying needs? Notice I didn’t say ‘problem’ but needs. So often when people talk we try to find a problem to solve rather than a need to be understood. We listen in order to respond rather than listen in order to empathize, understand and accept.
I came across this video entitle “It’s not the Nail” that drives the point home (no pun intended). Guys are notorious for listening as problem solvers, rational thinkers and with an analytical perspective. This becomes a real problem when dealing with the female mind which in general tends to talk to build a relationship, to express feelings and emotions, and to engage from a touchy-feely perspective. Take a look:
The bottom line is that we need each other. We need to listen empathetically to what the other person has to say and why they want to say it. Let them get it out, right or wrong, and let them hear their own words and thoughts. Unfortunately sometimes we’re distracted by the nail and jump to conclusions that are not what’s needed or even the whole truth.
In Pastoral Counseling they teach you very early on that people must arrive at the solution themselves before they will accept it. The role of a counselor is to guide, engage and motivate creative thinking. Solutions lie with the other. If you say, “do this…” they may or may not do it, but they most certainly won’t grow through the experience. In fact they will probably feel like more of a failure because you tried to fix them because they couldn’t fix themselves. See the point?
The beginning of all healthy relationships is the ability to listen to the words, the tone, the inflection, the body language and the expression of the face. It’s hard work, but its really the best gift you can give to someone you live. Walk with them through the struggles, don’t carry them or dictate the path.
Leave a Reply